I failed again.

Fuck.

I thought the second time would be it. I lasted twice as long as the first time, and every time Roxanne tried to tempt me, every time she kissed me with her mouth still warm, still sweet from human blood, I managed to resist.

Every time until tonight.

I don’t know why tonight was any different. She didn’t say anything she hadn’t said before. Actually, there’s one thing she didn’t say tonight. One name. Our Sire’s. She didn’t ask yet again if I truly believe Andrew would take me back if I managed to stop killing. She didn’t say that she doesn’t believe it. Didn’t mention how many years it has been, and how likely it is that Andrew has sired another companion for himself. No doubt he’ll teach him or her better than he taught us. No doubt he’ll keep a closer watch on that new Childe than he did on us.

I wish he’d watched us better. I wished he’d watched me better.

If only he’d caught us that very first time I killed… If only he’d noticed I was lying to him that night…

If only I hadn’t lied to him.

Roxanne tempted me, yes, back then like she did tonight. But it’s useless to pretend she’s responsible. I am no child. I always knew what I was doing. Even tonight, when I went and bit that man, I had it in mind that I’d only take a couple of mouthfuls.

No one is responsible but me.

And no one can fix it but me.

I’ll try again. I don’t know when, I don’t know what I’ll change to make it stick next time, but I will try again, and I will succeed.

And when I do, I’ll go back to Andrew.

I just wish I knew what will happen then.