I failed again.

Fuck.

I thought the second time would be it. I lasted twice as long as the first time, and every time Roxanne tried to tempt me, every time she kissed me with her mouth still warm, still sweet from human blood, I managed to resist.

Every time until tonight.

I don’t know why tonight was any different. She didn’t say anything she hadn’t said before. Actually, there’s one thing she didn’t say tonight. One name. Our Sire’s. She didn’t ask yet again if I truly believe Andrew would take me back if I managed to stop killing. She didn’t say that she doesn’t believe it. Didn’t mention how many years it has been, and how likely it is that Andrew has sired another companion for himself. No doubt he’ll teach him or her better than he taught us. No doubt he’ll keep a closer watch on that new Childe than he did on us.

I wish he’d watched us better. I wished he’d watched me better.

If only he’d caught us that very first time I killed… If only he’d noticed I was lying to him that night…

If only I hadn’t lied to him.

Roxanne tempted me, yes, back then like she did tonight. But it’s useless to pretend she’s responsible. I am no child. I always knew what I was doing. Even tonight, when I went and bit that man, I had it in mind that I’d only take a couple of mouthfuls.

No one is responsible but me.

And no one can fix it but me.

I’ll try again. I don’t know when, I don’t know what I’ll change to make it stick next time, but I will try again, and I will succeed.

And when I do, I’ll go back to Andrew.

I just wish I knew what will happen then.

Joseph left.

He really did.

 I thought he was just sulking after our last discussion. Although I guess ‘argument’ would be a better word for it. It had happened before, after all. We’d argue, we’d call each other names, I’d tell him to stay away from me, and he would, for a few days, before turning up again during one of my patrols like nothing had happened.

It’s been a month already. He never stayed away that long before. It feels odd, at times, like a piece of my nights is missing.

 I feel a bit silly for even noticing how long it has been. After all, what does it matter if it’s a week or four? I should just be glad that he finally listened to me. I should be glad I can focus on what’s important: my job, my human friends. Oh, and my boyfriend, too.

But even now that I know he’s really gone I keep expecting him to show up every time I go out alone for patrol. Sometimes, I go out alone precisely because he never used to show himself if Theo or Paul were with me.

I don’t hope he will, of course not, but…

Oh, who am I kidding?